Music, Poetry

El Rancho

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Roll up in green Datsun strolla’
Whip it in El Rancho pulla’
Bump the luggage up the rolla’
She never did what mama told ha’

Bed got holes from cigarettes
Ashtrays full of hair barrettes
Tiny soap folded towelettes
She comes through with all her threats

Bang it
Pop it
Stick it
Lock it
Treat it like a shot and drop it
Ain’t no use in tryin’ t’stop it
She got he fingers in her pocket

Her legs got cuts from shaving dry
Highway stretchmarks down her thigh
Scars from pins above her eye
But she takes he up to heaven’s sky

If she not happy no one colda’
If she cryin’ don’t try to hold ha’
She losin’ grips – shits gettin’ olda’
She never did what mama told ha’

~Sarah Davenport *Davs 2014

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Music, Poetry

Zero Sense

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One and one makes two
That’s the rules they’ve told you
And you can go that way it’s fine
But don’t let that draw the line

What if one and one made three
Would you deny it could be true
You wouldn’t contemplate with me
Three makes zero sense to you

Two and four makes six
But what if that made nine
Would you break beyond a fix
If you hopscotched beyond the line

What if one and one made three
Would you deny it could be true
I don’t think you’d humor me.
Three makes zero sense to you

Nine and four they make thirteen
At least we know one number true
Sometimes equations work unclean
But that makes zero sense to you

~Sarah davenport 2014

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Music, Poetry

The Bowling Ball Blues

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I drop like a bowling ball
My bowler cheers me as I fall
I bounce up and down a wooden hall
Crash into red striped pin wall

Down down underground
Darkness drowns me all around
I move so fast sound of light can’t catch me
My bowler comes running back to fetch me

Bap Bap bing bam boom
I’m zippered tight inside a tomb
Light blue leather covers my casket
All my bowler see’s is a fancy basket

Sometimes my bowler takes me out at night
Fingers my holes under halogen light
Sometimes my bowler rubs me with a specialty wax
I never mean to but I always relax

Black and blue those are my colors
I’ve got dents and cracks just like all the others
Us bowling balls we stick together
No one else understands unending bad weather

Sometimes I see it, a glimpse of the sea
It goes on forever and makes me feel free
Through a hole burrowed in my light blue leather case
I imagine the waves liquid misting my face

One evening my bowler put me down on the porch
I could see the ocean and a fire lit torch
I could have rolled down the steps if I had the will
But my bowler controlled me with methodical skill
I could’ve rolled all the way down into the sand
But how would I live without my bowlers command
I could have rolled all the away into the great sea
But the thought of no landing too much terrified me

So here I sit in my light blue leather bag
Banged up and bruised over my roll starting to drag
I look out my peephole at the glistening hues
Don’t hurt me no more I’ve got the bowling bowl blues

~Sarah Davenport 2014

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Mental Health, Thoughts

Fattractive

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Last year I lost 30lbs, if I would’ve stayed on track, I’d be at my goal weight right now. But instead, I gained ten back, started to go a little easier on my plus sized body. I’m still not always comfortable being fat. But when I am, I feel like I’ve done something even better than losing all the weight. I’m accepting, forgiving, and loving myself, despite my distortion of standard beauty. And I think that ultimately that may be more important. Because maybe someday I will lose the weight, but if I don’t accept myself, it won’t matter.

Also without googling I assume I made up the word: Fattractive *It’s hard to pronounce when you’re drinking wine. 1x in short shorts IDGAF. Cheers!

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Mental Health, Thoughts

Why The Concept of Toxic People Is Toxic

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I don’t believe in Jesus. But I like the bible verse “And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

I don’t want to drop people anymore, not entirely. And it’s not because of that verse, but the verse does express how I feel when I see or hear people talking so fervently about how “healthy people” cut toxic people out of their lives.

Really? Doesn’t that whole concept seem a bit toxic in itself?

Hey guys! This person is struggling with drug addiction so let’s throw them away like a piece of garbage, it will make us better people!

Ok, yeah. It’s deeper, and more complicated, and at some point I would absolutely say yes, walk away. Is he choking you? Walk away. Is she stealing from your purse? Umm, yes, maybe you should distance yourself.

But the point I’m trying to make is that, none of us have never been the toxic one in some way. And if not for the people who stuck by us, where would we be? And what about the people who nobody stood by, where are they? Who are they?

Who am I? Who are you? Are you better than me? Oh, I wear short skirts, am I less than? Oh, sometimes I eat ham, just cold ham from the fridge, maybe a few pickles. I’m a pig right? Healthy people don’t hang out with pigs.

If you don’t like somebody, don’t like them. But for christ-sake don’t go around thinking “Go me! I made a healthy decision by walking away from another human being!”

If someone did something unspeakable to someone, I would be on the first train out of there. No victim should ever have to face their abuser unwillingly.

But the least of these. The least of these. The least if these. How many times can I say that, and still get a chill down my back? It strikes me because the least of these, are the toxic people. For a long time I considered “the least of these” to be rich vs poor. But poor in what? Money? Or in heart and mind? Since the bible talks so much about giving up earthly possession in pursuit of a higher calling, one could safely assume the answer to my question above is: poor in heart and mind.

I really don’t give a fuck what Matthew meant when he wrote that verse. I have my own mind and get to choose to interpret things in a way that helps me understand more about life than what I already know. Sometimes that means taking steps back and reviewing my former self, sometimes it propels me.

People say when a child is acting out it is often for a lack of ability to express themselves in more constructive ways. And I think no less of adults. We may have the vocabulary and ability to explain an emotion, but some things still manifest in our actions and behavior. What to one person looks like an _insert unhealthy behavior here_ might be another person’s coping skill.

Wear your big girl panties is so bullshit. Man up is so mysogynistic. If you believe you can walk away from a past trauma unscathed, baby you’re on autopilot, or in denial, or both. I’m not saying moving on from the past is impossible. But everything that’s ever happened to you has affected, shaped, and molded the person you are, right now. It’s still there, in you somewhere, and it’s always going to be there.

Sooo, unless you were the one who came slip sliding swiftly out of that “toxic” person’s mother’s vagina, and you share their social security number, you really don’t have any right nor ability to judge them accurately.

You may spend 10 years with someone and you’ll still not ever truly know them. How could you? Who truly knows every single thing about themselves?

And if you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “This girl is a nuts. Of course I know myself.” Than kindly, imagine a stagnant pond of water, with moss and little gnats buzzing across the deep grey surface. That is you, my friend. Because life is a river, it’s ever changing. You can’t focus long enough on a rapid swirling around a rock to see all the tiny facets of rainbow light sending electric sound waves vibrating through the air.

If you let your brain decide you absolutely know something, anything 100% to be fact, that fact will stand still. Even as it’s proven wrong, right before your eyes. When you let your brain stand still, you’re blocking the ability to absorb new currency, connectivity, empathy, awareness, acceptance, information, this list goes on and will never end.

I might have had an interaction an hour ago that subconsciously shifted an opinion ever so slightly in the opposite direction. Or I could just decide that I know enough, and have my mind set, and there’s nothing more to it. The first way will allow me to continue to grow and change and evolve as a human being. The second way is akin to building a damn in the river that is your life. *someone told me this a few days ago and it makes me laugh, because it’s true: I am not safe with words. Sorry, I should have warned you. But I digress.

If I shut the door, if I cut you out of my life, because of a slight, or inconvenience: it couldn’t have been because of you. “It’s not you, it’s me.” If I have had it to here . that little dot right there. The period. If I’ve had that much of you, and can’t stand a second more, it’s because I can’t handle it. Not you.

Are there times to walk away? Yes. Are there times to distance ourselves? Yes. Are there times we should lock the door and throw away the key? I think in general no.

Hitler? Yes.

Closing the door but keeping the key. That’s what I’m trying to say. Open heart. Second chances. Maybe not, maybe just learning to let go of the hate, or hurt, and opening your mind to how much that “toxic” person must be struggling to have gone so far as to push you beyond the limits of your capacity to handle their behavior. Yes, sometimes we need to walk away. But I think even then, to attempt to understand why whatever the person you walked away from, did what they did, or said. To exercise the limits of your compassion, empathy, willingness to forgive, even if that still means distance, forever. I think that’s something to reach for, and I think it will enrich and expand your human experience.

There is a man, who is currently in prison. He scarred me as a child and I don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough to see him again. I don’t think he’s toxic. I think he’s ill and I think he was desperate not to be who he was. But left to his own devices, unable to control himself. I hope, so truly, that someone chooses to stand by him and help guide him in a way that causes him to get help, so he will never do what he did to me, to anyone else ever again.

Do you understand?

Everybody, even the man who molested me, needs to be loved.

Love changes people.

Don’t let yourself become that stale pond.

If you can’t handle drama or trauma in someone else’s life, and how their life affects you, by all means don’t handle it. But come on and be honest with yourself, and accept that you are not equip to handle that person. Who cares? Who cares if they do whatever it is that makes them toxic in your mind? What you are doing is looking at another human being in a way that says: I don’t have enough love for you to continue this relationship. We’re human, let’s face it, sometimes we simply can not abide.

But let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that we are bettering ourselves by deciding to treat another living human being as if they don’t exist anymore.

Deeming another person toxic is dehumanizing. And convoluted. Honey, if you think you’re better than anyone, chances are high that you are just as emotionally unhinged as the person you’re locking out.

So get over yourself and be honest. Accept that you are just not willing or capable of going there. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it simply means you’re human. And I don’t know why there’s anything wrong with that.

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Music, Poetry

My Daddy Wears A Beret

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

 

My daddy wears a beret
Every single day
His heart is made of
Mindful art
And he never fails
To say

My daughter dear
I love you so
I’m proud to watch you
Learn and grow
You are the stars
And moon to me

My dearest
You will always be

I’ll love you till the day I die
And honey I don’t tell no lie
There’s never going to
Be goodbye

My love will always be

Miles between us
There may be
But that don’t
Harm our family tree
There’s a bond between
You and me
It goes deeper than

The Caribbean Sea

Forevermore I’ll
Love him so
And hope to heavens
That he may know
That seam in him
I want to sew

My love will always be

~written by Sarah Davenport 06/10/2014 for Leonard Davenport

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Stuff, Thoughts

All My Love

All My Love | DavsArt

Thank you sincerely for following my blog. ❤ ~Sarah *Davs

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