Short Stories, Thoughts

*jumps out of airplane*

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*jumps out of airplane*

*pulls parachute chord*

*gust of wind shoots me into space*

*Neil deGrasse Tyson appears in front of pearly gates*

“YOU PASSED THE TEST” *holy shit* “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID” We start to laugh as bubbles from Jimi Hendrix’s bong pop through the sound of my brain expanding at the speed of light until shattered into stardust falling back down to earth… and I realize we’re all just fragments of each other, and the only thing separating us is our personal truths. Our brains, our ego separates us from the reality of who, what, where, we really are, and why.

Look at what humans have done, our brains have driven us from living with the land – to living off the land.

Two forks for one meal. I can barely see the stars at night because; Roxanne keeps putting on the red light. Paralyzed without wi-fi, bored without tv, media, mannequins, make-up, Madonna, mood rings (((money)))

Or was the world always fake?

*jumps out of airplane* *REPEAT until earth no longer exists*

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Thoughts

The Truth About The Truth

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When people hear, see, feel, or read a truth, even if it’s not their own, they run to it. They run to it and want to grab on because life is so fictitious.

Truth is precious. And people innately recognize that.

Some will run, but that’s ok.

Here’s the truth about the truth:

When I hear someone say (you’ve heard this before) “I’m not being a jerk, I’m just telling the truth” or “People think I’m being a dick because I tell the truth.” or “People can’t handle the truth” there’s more, they vary. But you’ve likely said or heard this, many times. It disturbs me. Because I feel like in general people like to believe that their truth is the way, the truth, and the fucking life. * pardon my French, this gets me upset. And not at anyone in general, not even at the people who say this.

It’s just this strange belief most humans have in common. That their truth is the ace of spades, and they go around collecting friends who also have the ace of spades, because strength in numbers, right? It’s like the game of Go Fish whoever collects the most matching cards wins.

But why is it a competition? Why does anyone think they know someone else’s truth. Why do we have to share truths to connect with each other?

I often literally judge books by their cover, I’m guilty of that. But I’m talking about hardbacks and paperbacks, novellas. This is the curse of a visual person.

But I digress. Shit like People of Walmart, or taking pictures of random strangers buttcracks, posting, and mocking them in a public forum. It’s no different than looking someone you think you know in the face and saying “how it is” for them. What’s wrong with their diet, attitude, lifestyle, religion, politics. Stop people shaming and shut the fuck up already. Ok?

Please?

People can’t handle “the” truth, as they say, because most often the truth is your truth, not theirs.

The truth about the truth; truth is subjective, yes! My scientist friend, if you’re reading this, I just said that. Truth is not about what you can prove, with research, and data. It’s a coping mechanism.

The truth is that people will genuinely believe in something just as unbelievable as…. whatever your definition of an unbelievable truth is. *I plead the fifth here, as to avoid further offense after my French lesson. As long as it makes them feel good. If that means joining a mass of people and talking to a man in the sky, or buying an orthopedic pillow because you spent your day hunched over a microscope, no socks with sandals, red and pink don’t match and you should never wear those colors together, reading the horoscope every single day, knock on wood… I could go on.

The truth about the truth, and what people will come out of the woodwork to hover in it’s glow for is; when someone reveals their own personal truth.
Like unrobing Michelangelo’s David.

When people break down and cry: we see it coming out. When people laugh so hard their faces contort, when they hee and haw like braying donkeys: we hear it. When someone sings a lyric they wrote, or walks to the rhythm of a song: we feel it.

The truth about the truth is that we’ll never really know anyone else’s truth but our own. Maybe if more people realized that we would be willing to share our truths more openly. And we’d all have a better understanding of what truth really is.

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Mental Health, Thoughts

Bullshit!

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BULLSHIT!

Everything that has ever happened to us, stays in us. And if we never go back and heal the scars, or if we do. It will affect the choices we make, I promise.

Abuse, dysfunction, breeds, as does positivity and love. Your personal chemical make up affects your everyday decisions.

Blaming does nothing for anyone.

But accepting that our past ((does)) affect us today, is the only way to begin attempting to right what’s wrong inside of us.

Why are girls who were molested more likely to be sexually active at a younger age? Why are the statistics of men that abuse saying that a higher percentage of these men were abused themselves?

Yes we are responsible for our actions, and… unless we’re billionaires, we’re held to consequence.

But to say that our current choices don’t stem from a deeper place, subconscious memories, triggers, trauma, or the opposite, is like walking through a busy airport using an empty paper towel role as your view finder.

We are not a fresh piece of paper when we wake up in the morning. We are books written, in my case over the course of 32 years. We’ve been written all over, by ourselves, and everyone we have ever known. And whatever the words read, affect everything we do.

It’s not blaming to say, “When I was trying to learn the basics of math, my old step dad would sit down with me and my homework, berate and verbally abuse me when I asked questions, or couldn’t understand a concept.” Today, 20+ years later, numbers are a trigger for me, and cause me to freeze up. Hmm, no wonder I always CHOSE to use a calculator before counting back change as a waitress.

That is a simplistic example. But it’s good enough for what’s written on this rigid, inflexible, simplistic piece of paper featured above. It’s currently being passed around so righteously on the internet. Disguised as positive thinking. “It’s easy! Just choose to pull up you’re bootstraps!”

Uh, how about you take off your Wellingtons and walk around for a while, some people were born and raised barefoot.

Where’s the empathy, compassion, understanding? We go so much deeper. People have reasons behind their everyday choices. And a lot of times they are so buried within us that we have no idea what they are.

Also, would you say this to an un-medicated schizophrenic? Or an autistic child having a meltdown in the grocery store because of sensory overstimulation?

People are human, not robots. We’re diverse physically, mentally, and genetically. And life haunts us, and it surely does affect the choices we make.

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Mental Health, Thoughts

Fattractive

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Last year I lost 30lbs, if I would’ve stayed on track, I’d be at my goal weight right now. But instead, I gained ten back, started to go a little easier on my plus sized body. I’m still not always comfortable being fat. But when I am, I feel like I’ve done something even better than losing all the weight. I’m accepting, forgiving, and loving myself, despite my distortion of standard beauty. And I think that ultimately that may be more important. Because maybe someday I will lose the weight, but if I don’t accept myself, it won’t matter.

Also without googling I assume I made up the word: Fattractive *It’s hard to pronounce when you’re drinking wine. 1x in short shorts IDGAF. Cheers!

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Mental Health, Thoughts

Why The Concept of Toxic People Is Toxic

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I don’t believe in Jesus. But I like the bible verse “And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

I don’t want to drop people anymore, not entirely. And it’s not because of that verse, but the verse does express how I feel when I see or hear people talking so fervently about how “healthy people” cut toxic people out of their lives.

Really? Doesn’t that whole concept seem a bit toxic in itself?

Hey guys! This person is struggling with drug addiction so let’s throw them away like a piece of garbage, it will make us better people!

Ok, yeah. It’s deeper, and more complicated, and at some point I would absolutely say yes, walk away. Is he choking you? Walk away. Is she stealing from your purse? Umm, yes, maybe you should distance yourself.

But the point I’m trying to make is that, none of us have never been the toxic one in some way. And if not for the people who stuck by us, where would we be? And what about the people who nobody stood by, where are they? Who are they?

Who am I? Who are you? Are you better than me? Oh, I wear short skirts, am I less than? Oh, sometimes I eat ham, just cold ham from the fridge, maybe a few pickles. I’m a pig right? Healthy people don’t hang out with pigs.

If you don’t like somebody, don’t like them. But for christ-sake don’t go around thinking “Go me! I made a healthy decision by walking away from another human being!”

If someone did something unspeakable to someone, I would be on the first train out of there. No victim should ever have to face their abuser unwillingly.

But the least of these. The least of these. The least if these. How many times can I say that, and still get a chill down my back? It strikes me because the least of these, are the toxic people. For a long time I considered “the least of these” to be rich vs poor. But poor in what? Money? Or in heart and mind? Since the bible talks so much about giving up earthly possession in pursuit of a higher calling, one could safely assume the answer to my question above is: poor in heart and mind.

I really don’t give a fuck what Matthew meant when he wrote that verse. I have my own mind and get to choose to interpret things in a way that helps me understand more about life than what I already know. Sometimes that means taking steps back and reviewing my former self, sometimes it propels me.

People say when a child is acting out it is often for a lack of ability to express themselves in more constructive ways. And I think no less of adults. We may have the vocabulary and ability to explain an emotion, but some things still manifest in our actions and behavior. What to one person looks like an _insert unhealthy behavior here_ might be another person’s coping skill.

Wear your big girl panties is so bullshit. Man up is so mysogynistic. If you believe you can walk away from a past trauma unscathed, baby you’re on autopilot, or in denial, or both. I’m not saying moving on from the past is impossible. But everything that’s ever happened to you has affected, shaped, and molded the person you are, right now. It’s still there, in you somewhere, and it’s always going to be there.

Sooo, unless you were the one who came slip sliding swiftly out of that “toxic” person’s mother’s vagina, and you share their social security number, you really don’t have any right nor ability to judge them accurately.

You may spend 10 years with someone and you’ll still not ever truly know them. How could you? Who truly knows every single thing about themselves?

And if you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “This girl is a nuts. Of course I know myself.” Than kindly, imagine a stagnant pond of water, with moss and little gnats buzzing across the deep grey surface. That is you, my friend. Because life is a river, it’s ever changing. You can’t focus long enough on a rapid swirling around a rock to see all the tiny facets of rainbow light sending electric sound waves vibrating through the air.

If you let your brain decide you absolutely know something, anything 100% to be fact, that fact will stand still. Even as it’s proven wrong, right before your eyes. When you let your brain stand still, you’re blocking the ability to absorb new currency, connectivity, empathy, awareness, acceptance, information, this list goes on and will never end.

I might have had an interaction an hour ago that subconsciously shifted an opinion ever so slightly in the opposite direction. Or I could just decide that I know enough, and have my mind set, and there’s nothing more to it. The first way will allow me to continue to grow and change and evolve as a human being. The second way is akin to building a damn in the river that is your life. *someone told me this a few days ago and it makes me laugh, because it’s true: I am not safe with words. Sorry, I should have warned you. But I digress.

If I shut the door, if I cut you out of my life, because of a slight, or inconvenience: it couldn’t have been because of you. “It’s not you, it’s me.” If I have had it to here . that little dot right there. The period. If I’ve had that much of you, and can’t stand a second more, it’s because I can’t handle it. Not you.

Are there times to walk away? Yes. Are there times to distance ourselves? Yes. Are there times we should lock the door and throw away the key? I think in general no.

Hitler? Yes.

Closing the door but keeping the key. That’s what I’m trying to say. Open heart. Second chances. Maybe not, maybe just learning to let go of the hate, or hurt, and opening your mind to how much that “toxic” person must be struggling to have gone so far as to push you beyond the limits of your capacity to handle their behavior. Yes, sometimes we need to walk away. But I think even then, to attempt to understand why whatever the person you walked away from, did what they did, or said. To exercise the limits of your compassion, empathy, willingness to forgive, even if that still means distance, forever. I think that’s something to reach for, and I think it will enrich and expand your human experience.

There is a man, who is currently in prison. He scarred me as a child and I don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough to see him again. I don’t think he’s toxic. I think he’s ill and I think he was desperate not to be who he was. But left to his own devices, unable to control himself. I hope, so truly, that someone chooses to stand by him and help guide him in a way that causes him to get help, so he will never do what he did to me, to anyone else ever again.

Do you understand?

Everybody, even the man who molested me, needs to be loved.

Love changes people.

Don’t let yourself become that stale pond.

If you can’t handle drama or trauma in someone else’s life, and how their life affects you, by all means don’t handle it. But come on and be honest with yourself, and accept that you are not equip to handle that person. Who cares? Who cares if they do whatever it is that makes them toxic in your mind? What you are doing is looking at another human being in a way that says: I don’t have enough love for you to continue this relationship. We’re human, let’s face it, sometimes we simply can not abide.

But let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that we are bettering ourselves by deciding to treat another living human being as if they don’t exist anymore.

Deeming another person toxic is dehumanizing. And convoluted. Honey, if you think you’re better than anyone, chances are high that you are just as emotionally unhinged as the person you’re locking out.

So get over yourself and be honest. Accept that you are just not willing or capable of going there. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it simply means you’re human. And I don’t know why there’s anything wrong with that.

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Autism, Thoughts

Don’t Be A Star

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Remember that toy, when we were kids? The box with different shapes cut into each side, and you have to put the triangle in the triangle, the circle in the circle? That toy is humanity, my friend. At some point you have to accept that the triangle is not going fit it into the circle. That doesn’t mean the triangle is wrong, or the circle is right. It simply means that each of us have our own place that fits us individually. If a star came in and made all the shapes on that box a star, because they’re a star and believe that’s the only right shape to be, that star is denying the existence of the circle.

Recognizing the circle has just as much right to be a circle as does the star, is about respect and equality and acceptance. Refusing to acknowledge that right, is choosing to live in ignorance.

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Autism, Family, Thoughts

Dear Autism Parent

Dear Autism Parents | DavsArt

Hypothetically speaking we just had a passionate online exchange about autism and this happened:

Dear Autism Parent,

I am tearing up too. I’m sorry if I came off harsh, or rude. I am also very passionate about autism, my 17 year old nephew and my 5 year old are on the spectrum. I rarely hear people differentiate what I call side effects (for lack of better term) from autism itself. I belong to a group of 18K members on Facebook for autism support and I see people post “I kicked autism’s butt today” or “I hate autism” all the time. I live with meltdowns, running, diapers way past the typical potty trained age etc, etc. I understand that a lot of parents are living with what may appear to be easier, or harder situations. But it’s all relative. The fact is that we’re all in the same boat together. All of us love our children and ache over their hardships, and as parents in turn we take these hardships on ourselves and they become our own.

But I believe autism is beautiful, and a big part if what makes our kids who they are, they have autistic brains. I know I wouldn’t be me if I had a different brain.

The people I look up to and respect in the autism community who have autism, refer to themselves as autistics. They see it as a part of who they are.

So when I hear “I hate autism,” or similar I can hardly keep myself from pointing out that autism isn’t the problem. It’s the over-stimulation and our lack of knowledge about how to help our kids adapt and learn how to overcome the challenges they face everyday. To me this is a big issue that never gets talked about. I believe if my son heard me say “I hate autism” or ” I fight autism everyday,” he would assume I was talking about him personally, because he is autistic.

It’s so confusing. For the most part Neorotypicals think it’s PC to refer to the person first and then the diagnosis. Or we’re supposed to say he has autism, not he’s autistic, because “they are more than their autism” and we think that makes us more aware and accepting, which I appreciate. I get that we want to be sensitive, that’s a good thing.

But it’s a total catch 22, because when we say they’re more than their autism, we’re implying that autism is not an integral part of what makes them who they are. We’re also implying that it shouldn’t be a huge part of who they are.

Who would you or I be if we had someone else’s brain? And what’s wrong with our brains that they should play the most important role of what defines us? “I hate neorotypicalness” How does that feel?

I’m wondering if I have some kind of impulse control issue, because I should have just written a quick reply and not try to build another soapbox. :3 You don’t need that. I’m sorry. And truth is that I’m putting into words for the first time exactly why I feel so passionate about this as I do. I’ve never been confronted on the why’s of this specific opinion I have.

But since I’m in so deep here, I might as well sink and lay it out flat. When I read I hate autism, even if squished between, love, embrace etc, it still reads to me as “I hate a huge part of what makes our children who they are.” That’s what I hear, and how it makes me feel, I read it almost daily in my ASD support group. And why I get so passionate about wanting to point out that we don’t hate our children. Not one thing about my child do I hate. And I know the same is true for you. I know it is.

I might hate that my son doesn’t say mama or dada. I hate that he is forced to cover his ears because a light bulb is buzzing two rooms away. I hate that he can’t enjoy a good meal because the taste overstimulates him, or the texture freaks him out etc, etc.

But I know those things aren’t who he is. I know he would talk and want a way for his brain to be able to filter out those sounds, or distracting, scary textures, tastes, lights etc, etc so he could focus on other things. If he knew how, I know he would say hello to the neighbor girls when they are calling to him.

And we’re doing everything we can as parents to find that solution, the clue that will help us help our kids. That is the missing puzzle piece. How to help them be who they are without all the road blocks.

But if you take the road blocks away, autism is still there.

We aren’t fighting autism, we don’t hate autism.

What we hate and fight are the road blocks.

I know, it was ridiculous of me to butt-in and try to preach. I actually had written something much longer at first but deleted it. I even told myself to let it go, because I know it’s generally not what a person means when they say “I hate autism.” But I couldn’t stop myself. I feel like this is something that needs to be addressed.

Please forgive me for such a long winded, preachy, rambling message. I’m quite embarrassed now. But I feel like it’s too late to just delete and forget this whole exchange. What you wrote did make me cry. It’s really strange how a screen can make you forget you are talking to a living, breathing, thinking human being. I’m sorry for any inconvenience this letter may have caused you, I know your time is precious. Please have a great week, and accept a big hug from me.

~Sarah (Davs)

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